Industry Announcements: Proximus Bertschulder Ltd.

Address inquiries to Proximus Bertschulder

NOW -- Buy your new home from Proximus Bertschulder Ltd.

4 Sep 2002

Proximus Bertschulder Ltd. has acquired both the patents and the services of the brilliant bioedificist Dr. Jacob Harriet Villany. Upon visiting Dr. Villany's home in Mont St. Puree, France last year, Proximus Bertschulder Ltd. Technology Director Eddy Mipps was both fascinated and bemused by the innovative construction of the Villany mansion.

As a result, and after tedious and often stormy negotiations, we are now delighted to announce our new housing division. We are excited to offer the public a completely original concept in residences, the "Hairhouse".

Using DNA extracted from the bones of a woolly mammoth found frozen in the Arctic ice pack, Dr. Villany has developed a quasi-biological building material known as lignight. The similarity of this name to the common fuel is both unfortunate and costly, as we have endured extensive and expensive litigation in order to gain the rights to use this product name. We had hoped to simply call the product "Queen Brie's Crust" but, Dr. Villany insisted upon his nomenclature as a prerequisite to our acquisition.

Regardless, Lignight building material contains the entire mammoth genome and is controlled by computer software which can effect gene replacements that modify the parameters of the lignight construction material in heretofore undreamed of ways.

Simply put, a Hairhouse, though not alive, is constantly growing and evolving, and is totally subject to the owner's whims. Each home comes with a controlling computer, located in whichever room you choose. A user-friendly software interface enables you to direct the Hairhouse to install myriad modifications. Through rapid lignight growth and mutation, these modifications grow to completion rapidly (from a couple of days to several weeks depending on the specifics required).

From time to time, the homeowner must refill the conveniently located zygote bin with our new and inexpensive product "zygotal hormonal mammoth mulch" also known as ZHMM.

Here are just some of thing you can do with you Hairhouse:

Grow rugs and carpets (to your taste and of your design if desired).
Grow wall-hangings. You may simulate the work of over 200 famous artists.
Perfume the air (you choose when, what odor and what intensity). Instruct your A/C vents to coo lovingly.
Defend you against all intruders, including military units.
Create holographic visitors (the system is especially good at mammoths).
Add additional rooms (this will require sufficient ZHMM).

Our first development of Hairhouse homes is now under construction near Petaluma, California. Within a matter of months, this product will be available nationwide (except for a portion of Westchester County, New York which is not viable for Hairhouse construction due to the presence of excess turtle droppings).

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